How to Help Your Teen Navigate a Toxic Co-parent Relationship
It requires nimbleness.
In a divorce situation, it’s always best to strive to advocate for your teen and avoid putting them in the middle between you and the other co-parent. This translates into avoiding bad-mouthing the other co-parent, keeping your children’s best interest at the forefront, and working with the other co-parent. Naturally, this comes with some challenges, but it becomes even more so when the other co-parent is toxic. The obstacles and stakes for your teen are even higher when dealing with a toxic co-parent. A typical divorce situation becomes compounded with complexities. Therefore, creating strategies for both you and your teen are essential.
The baseline for effective strategies in a toxic co-parenting relationship is having |clear expectations with your child about who they hang out with, what they do, and how they conduct themselves even when they are on the other co-parent's time. It is still your job to discuss critical matters related to more grown-up topics like education and health. However, there will be times when your teen should also be involved in those.
The strategies are structured to empower your teen. You are, specifically, demonstrating to them that they are gaining the power not to be the victim of their toxic co-parent's bullying, positioning them to learn how to advocate for themselves and manage a challenging personality type effectively. The plan is not to throw them to the wolves and wash your hands of the whole thing—far from it. They need to know you are always available to help and support them.
Honing Communication Skills
Limit your engagement and communicate by text and email. Keeping communication to the essentials limits the fuel you provide to the toxic co-parent. They will attempt to badger you. When communications stir up emotional energy, do not respond immediately. Sit with your emotions and wait. Nothing from the toxic co-parent is that urgent. It is only urgent to them as they need a target and a fuel source. Take the time to think through your response and keep the emotion out of it.
Bill Eddy has written two excellent books, Splitting and BIFF for CoParent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts. Both books leverage an effective communication technique, "BIFF"—Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm. BIFF essentially embodies a less is more approach. It takes practice, but “BIFF” will become an automatic response, and you won’t waste time and energy stressing about your responses.
There are times when silence is a powerful tool. Some communications justify no response. Responding will give the toxic co-parent more ammunition to retaliate with. Hold your fire. If you hold, your silence becomes a powerful grenade. They think they have won, or they get distracted by something else. Let them have their victory. Your teen may get what they need if a toxic co-parent feels like they have won.
Knowledge Is Power
Your teens unknowingly hold power with the toxic co-parent. I don’t promote teaching your teen to manipulate anyone covertly. However, there comes a time to pass the torch. They need to learn how to advocate for themselves, figure out how to manage their toxic co-parent, and practice "BIFF" themselves. The power a child holds when dealing with a toxic co-parent is (drumroll, please)—letting the toxic co-parent be the hero or cool parent.
It’s all about the toxic co-parent having a leg up on the other parent and being Father/Mother of the Year. This can be a double-edged sword depending on the type of teen you have or the situation, so tread carefully. If your teen can learn to manage "BIFF" and ask the other parent for what they need, the probability of a "yes" is much higher than if you ask.
By passing the torch to your teen, you give them the power and courage to advocate for themselves. They will see the success in their actions. The toxic co-parent will tend to be more agreeable, as they are focused on “winning” with their child and are allowed to shine. They don’t want to be the bad guy or the one to say no. The fact that you aren’t the communicator or involved takes spitefulness out of the equation.
Be Adaptable
The unpredictable nature of a toxic co-parent requires nimbleness. Try something different next time if an approach doesn’t work in specific instances. Learn from the experience and apply what you’ve learned. Unfortunately, toxic personalities are not predictable, so there needs to be a willingness to try different approaches. In time, you will strike gold and find a tactic that works most of the time. Perhaps it’s the timing of a communication. Maybe it’s how the communication was managed. You will see a pattern emerge. Be patient and willing to shift until you find the secret sauce or sauces.
Letting Go
Regardless of the situation, there comes a time in the parenting cycle when we must let go and trust in our teens. We need to be there to guide them and help them if they stumble. When dealing with a toxic co-parent, the best thing we can do is teach our teen how to deal with and manage this challenging personality. If they can learn how to navigate a toxic co-parent effectively, they have developed a valuable skill that will serve them well for the rest of their life. Letting go and guiding them is giving them a tremendous gift - superpowers.