How To Begin Exiting From A Toxic Relationship
Small Steps to Emotional Freedom
Does the toxic person in your life consistently ambush you? Are you fed up with the chaos they create? Are you contemplating leaving? Have you decided to leave? Are you feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of leaving? Escaping a toxic relationship is daunting. Discretion is a priority. The malignant person can’t be alerted of your plans until they are ironclad. Dropping a bomb like this on them takes careful planning and preparation.
Contemplating exiting a toxic relationship is an emotional and scary time for you. You don’t know how the toxic person will respond to the news. Not knowing what to do first can stop you and make you reconsider your choice. The fear associated with this move can be paralyzing. These are all very normal feelings. Great leaps are not necessary. Small steps are more than okay. Take one day at a time, one thing at a time.
I’m providing some initial recommendations to help you start the process. Not every situation is the same; however, explore the various recommendations and see what might help you get started.
Get Emotional Support
Find a therapist, life coach, pastor, or other trusted individual you can work with to help you gather your strength and prepare for what’s to come. It’s going to be an emotional experience. You must be strong for yourself and your children if you have them. Most importantly, you need to feel comfortable with this individual. They should be your ally and your trusted, unbiased confidant who is willing and able to help you navigate the road ahead.
Look for someone with expertise with high-conflict, toxic, or narcissistic personalities.
Conduct interviews and see who you have a strong connection with.
If children are involved, ask them what their philosophy is on co-parenting with a toxic parent - generically. After that, probe deeper and ask about their philosophy in dealing with high-conflict personalities. If, at any point, their responses sound anything like “Why can’t you get along for the sake of the kids?” or “Have you tried couples/family counseling?” or anything close to that, try someone else.
Do not get discouraged if you find the arrangement isn’t working and you don’t feel you are getting what you need. It’s okay to regroup and try someone else.
Hire an Attorney
If divorce is a factor, find an attorney. Ask for recommendations if you have a network of trusted friends and colleagues. You can Google names and read reviews. Just research and interview several. Most attorneys will give an initial free consultation.
During the process, be factual. Your attorney should absorb the facts to ensure they will best serve you and your situation.
Describe the high-conflict nature of your soon-to-be ex and watch their reaction.
Trust your instincts with what they are verbally and non-verbally telling you.
Invite a trusted confidant along for your interviews. They can be a silent observer who offers insights and also serves as moral support.
Communicate and coordinate your escape plan with your attorney (if needed).
Express all concerns you have for your safety.
Discuss your needs for spousal and child support.
Before the meeting, list questions and concerns you want to address. Typically, consultations last an hour. Be ready to make the most of the time to ensure you get what you need to make an informed choice.
Begin Separating Financial Resources
It is essential to begin preparing for financial freedom and independence. Taking this step will allow you to stop comingling funds and start the process of autonomy. I recommend discussing your specific financial situation with your attorney.
Open bank accounts in your name.
If employed, redirect your paychecks to your new bank account. It typically takes about two weeks to redirect a paycheck. Time this with your physical exit from the relationship.
If you don’t already have one, get a credit card in your name. The credit card is for emergency use only (possibly your attorney retainer if you have no other options).
Ensure all bank statements, bills, and communications are delivered electronically. If an electronic version of anything isn't available and must be mailed, find an alternative address you can use temporarily.
Remove small amounts of cash to have on hand as a just-in-case - $20 here and there. I call this the Under the Mattress Fund.
Place a freeze on your credit reports.
Equifax: 1-800-685-1111
Experian: 1-888-397-3742
TransUnion: 1-888-909-8872
Protect Yourself
Keep your phone, computer, etc. locked at all times. If possible, keep them with you.
Use Face ID or Touch ID for all of your electronic devices.
Change your passwords.
Don’t leave personal papers in plain sight.
Delete all call, text, and internet search history.
Set up a new email address that only you know.
Find a trusted individual you routinely touch base with and let them know your schedule. Having someone to check in with routinely until the dust settles is an extra safety measure.
If you think the toxic person could destroy items of value, slowly remove them from your residence. Toxic people can be spiteful beings, and they will be seeking revenge or, at the very least, try to bully you through any means possible.
If you have financial or other vital information accessible via a computer, make a copy on a flash drive and store it somewhere safe, along with other essential documents like birth certificates, social security cards, jewelry, passports, etc.
If filing for divorce, coordinate with your attorney a window of time when the process server will serve the divorce papers to the toxic person. Do not be there when they are served. Take any last-minute items (discreetly) and leave.
They might be volatile once they know of your plan. If possible, arrange for an alternative place to stay. Depending on the situation, your attorney may be able to provide additional legal protections or alternatives.
Safety Resources
If you are concerned for your safety at any time, immediately use the resources below.
National Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Text BEGIN to 88788
National Coalition Against Domestic Violence
303-839-1852
Reading this article alone is a significant step towards freeing yourself from the toxic person in your life. Be proud of yourself! Leaving the toxic person is a delicate dance. Control is the name of their game. Taking one small step will start taking their power away from them and reclaiming yours. You are shifting the control in your direction. It’s not about keeping score over who has more control. It’s about doing what is best for you, taking the steps necessary to get yourself out, and doing so safely and smartly.