Collaborative Parenting — It Is A Thing.
Welcome open dialog.
Do you ever wish you had an owner’s manual for your kids? Wouldn’t it be nice to flip to the Troubleshooting section when they or life throws us a curve ball? As we all know, our kids do not come with an owner’s manual. Navigating the roads of parenting is tough, and occasionally, we hit speedbumps and potholes. This happens even more frequently when you are a single parent or a parent with a toxic co-parent.
Often, kids feel unseen, unheard, devalued, discarded, like a pawn, or any combination of these. This is even more prevalent in split households and when dealing with a toxic co-parent. While creating synergies across two households is challenging, managing life in one house is possible. Refrain from focusing on what is out of your control. It’s wasted energy. Instead, focus on creating a collaborative arrangement with your kids for life’s speedbumps and potholes and, where appropriate, daily life. Have open discussions. Invite your kid’s opinions, thoughts, and concerns. Hear them. Don’t interrupt them. Create an open, accessible space. Welcome open dialog. Let them know how important it is to you to know where they stand.
Try setting ground rules if this is a newer approach for your household. You may get pushback because they don’t want to sit around and talk. Remind them that it is important and their feedback is wanted. Let everyone know they will get a turn to speak. Put phones away - no one should be distracted. Remind everyone that this is intended to be a collaborative effort to find a solution that works best for everyone. This may mean compromising. This is not meant to result in a one-way or no-way outcome. Gaining everyone’s input and effort is essential to driving a successful conversation and outcome.
During the discussions, ask simple, open-ended questions - who, what, how, when, and where. Pause and allow time for them to respond. Some open-ended questions might be:
What is important to you?
How do you feel about this?
What is a desirable outcome for you?
What is missing for you right now?
What do you/we gain from this?
What would be helpful to you/us?
In addition, propose possible scenarios—if this, then this—and follow up with open-ended questions. Try to avoid adding your opinion or your desired outcome. If this is voiced early in the conversation, your kids may feel like the decision has been made and will shut down. They may be looking for your opinion to please you with their answer, not the goal. You genuinely want to hear them and come up with a joint solution.
Your kids may be surprised by the process and outcome. They will feel seen and heard. They may see you in a new light. They may realize you aren’t the enemy! It may feel uncomfortable for them as this is new and different. They may seem timid as they don’t get a voice in other parts of their life. Be patient. Encourage, but pay attention to when it’s time to back off. Be self-aware during these conversations. You don’t want to push too hard.
If the conversation drags, with little or no natural movement, or you all need to digest what has been said, that is okay! Sleeping on it always helps, especially when dealing with a heavy or highly emotional topic. Wrap up the conversation with your gratitude for everyone’s input and contributions. Let them know it’s okay to take time to contemplate. Commit to coming back together in a couple of days. Do not let it stretch out for weeks. This will diminish the importance and convey that you aren’t fulfilling your desire to be on a team.
I am not conveying the message that the inmates run the asylum. I’m not promoting throwing boundaries and rules in the garbage. There need to be rules, and parents are the household authorities. However, talk about significant decisions and challenges. Have age-appropriate discussions. Don’t lay down the gauntlet, expecting everyone to follow without complaints or resentment. There is the possibility that new ideas might emerge. Our kids can add a fresh perspective when given the chance to have a mature and contributory conversation where they feel valued.