The Scars You Can’t See
No sunglasses covering up a black eye.
How quickly I became dominated and my self-worth diminished by the toxic person in my life. My confidence evaporated. I was controlled and manipulated without knowing it. I was a strong young woman who was led to believe I wasn’t capable of anything. I didn’t think this could happen to me, but it did and it can happen to anyone.
I couldn’t see the cuts from the verbal and emotional slayings I repeatedly experienced. I blamed myself for what was happening. Perhaps if I had done X, Y, or Z, then he wouldn’t be angry with me. If only I were different. It was because of who and how I was that we had problems. I constantly grappled for forgiveness and attempted to avoid conflict…tip-toeing around the minefield I was living in. Hiding my pain became a well-honed skill. Shame continuously flowed through my veins. I didn’t think anyone would believe what I endured.
As warped as this may sound, I would have preferred to have been physically over verbally and emotionally abused. Why in my right mind would I make this choice? Physical abuse can be seen. It is believed because it is seen. You can try to hide it, but it is visible to the naked eye. Because I was too afraid to save myself, perhaps someone else would have seen my wounds and attempted to save me sooner than I had saved myself. The internal bleeding from verbal and emotional abuse is invisible. No one can see what has been or is being done to you. There are no visible signs of needing help. No sunglasses covering up a black eye. The mind games being played on you are subtle and not easily identifiable. As with any abuse, you second guess yourself, so why would someone else believe you?
Don’t lose heart. Many have walked in your shoes. You don’t walk alone. More than likely you have alienated people in your life because of the abuse. It is a protective mechanism. This comes with the territory of being sucked in by an abuser, narcissist, sociopath, or you name the flavor. Those who care about you may have some clue you are hurting, even if they don’t know how extensively. Reach out. Tell them you need them. Take the gamble. Those near and dear missed you and will welcome you back with open arms.
They say time heals all wounds. That is true to some extent. However, some wounds leave scars. Some are bigger than others and harder to hide…even when they are on the inside. The beauty of ugly scars is that they remind us of how far we’ve come. They remind us of what we are capable of and how much we have endured. Scars propel us forward and help us evolve. Moving forward can look different for everyone and can be subtle. Perhaps it's sinking energy into escaping the trap of a toxic person, modeling yourself for your child/children, showing your gratitude for those who helped you along the way, or learning to love yourself again. Don’t underestimate what you are capable of.