How To Avoid A Toxic Parent Defining Your Child

Your Child Has A You

Many of us who share a child with a toxic co-parent share the fear of their child becoming toxic as well. What if they grow up to be just like that parent? What if I’m not enough to counter-balance the toxic co-parent? What can I even do to help my child? All of these questions, and others, are valid. They are questions that don’t have simple, straightforward answers. However, one thing is certain: if you are asking these questions, you are already doing much more than you realize.  

As I expressed these same fears about my child, a wise person told me once, “[your child] has a you.” The same is true for you; your child has a you! They are fortunate to have a you. They have a you who will raise them to be their own person in a traditional sense but also teach them to know that their parents do not define them. They don’t have to be like the toxic co-parent, nor do they have to be like you. They can grow and learn how to define their individuality. It is possible to take the good from a potentially harmful situation and frame it differently for your child. Set the stage for them and see where they run with it. 

How do you teach your child that their parents, regardless of who they are, don’t define them? Unfortunately, there isn’t a secret recipe, and what works for some won’t work for others. You may need to experiment. You know your child best. Despite not having an exact recipe, a few approaches will start you down the right path. 

Modeling is Key

Have empathy for their situation. Express how you recognize their trials and tribulations with their toxic co-parent. Who better than anyone to understand than you? You have been with this person as well. It’s essential to reaffirm with your child that they are a good person. Remind them that their toxic parent does not represent who they are. Give a specific example, and if possible, make it relevant to the current struggle. Remind them that they are their own person. Another person’s behavior doesn’t indicate they are the same, especially if they continue to behave otherwise. 

Be sure to practice what you preach. Be kind to people, and in moments where you need to be firm, follow the “kill them with kindness” approach. Don’t be a pushover, but be friendly yet assertive. If your efforts fail, explain how you could have approached it differently to your child. If appropriate, when sending an email or text to someone, try sharing your response with them. Tell them why you are framing it a certain way. Share the response so they can see how different approaches yield different results. 

Most importantly, model your own behavior towards your child and how you treat them. You know how the cruelty and explosive responses from the toxic parent feel when received. Try to be self-aware, even when dealing with situations where the child requires discipline. Try not to be triggering for them. It is possible to be firm without making them feel scared or intimidated. Be conscious of your words. If it doesn’t go well, take a little time to cool off and then apologize. Admit that you could have handled the situation better. An apology and some humility are things they don’t get from a toxic parent. 

Remember that your child is taking copious notes. They are learning from you and others. Showing them by example is their best teacher, more so than verbal explanations. They are less likely to tune you out! Providing them with behavioral contrast is a good thing. It allows them to witness different approaches and make their own choices. It’s not you telling them what to do; instead, you show them, and they absorb that—just like a video they see on social media. 

Find Their Lane

Every child has goodness and gifts within themselves. They may need help identifying their gifts and what they are capable of. As parents, we can help them do that. We will often see their gifts before they do. 

Find ways to extract their gifts. Be creative. Maybe it’s buying construction paper so they can make something for all of their classmates for no particular occasion other than they are feeling thoughtful. If you have a kind child who likes doing for others, find volunteer opportunities or help them make cards for sick children. Sign up for a team or class if they appear athletic and gravitate towards a specific skill. If they are musical, explore performing groups, school groups, or lessons. Your child will absorb the “feel-goods” from doing something that brings them joy. The joy they experience will manifest within them and make them want more of it. Jump on it and see where it goes. 

You might want to call this a distraction from the reality of the toxic parent, but it’s not. It’s providing them with a sacred space and passion. It’s giving them exposure to other positive influences and role models. Expanding their horizons and teaching them to lean into something that brings them joy increases the likelihood of joining forces with others who share their beliefs and passions. It will help to keep them in their lane of goodness. 

Fertilize the seeds of goodness and gifts to make them unshakeable. No one, including their toxic parent, can take it from them. By doing this, your child will know it’s innate and exclusively theirs. They will protect it because they want to hold it sacred. They will see that it makes them unique and represents a part of what and who they stand for. They will look for avenues as they grow to deploy this. It becomes a natural tendency for them and will serve them well in all aspects of their life. It will drive their sense of autonomy and authenticity. 

Praise, Praise, and More Praise

Our children will never grow tired of hearing how awesome they are. They may try to act embarrassed, but they soak it in. Take the time to be a little braggy while maintaining humbleness to share your child's unique gifts. Be sure to share stories about their goodness and achievements with their village whenever possible. Make sure your child hears it. They will benefit from seeing and hearing the other person's amazement and pride. It will enhance their confidence, making them want to feel that again and again. It’s a natural high. They will always wish for the feeling of goodness to flow freely within them. They will begin to carry this way of being within themselves. It will dominate, leaving little room for negativity from the toxic co-parent. 

Celebrate their accomplishments—big and small. The celebrations don’t have to be extravagant—a shower of verbal praise or a stop for ice cream. They will know you see them, value them, and appreciate what they give to this world and those around them. This will drive them to repeat the behaviors over and over again. They do not feel seen, heard, or validated by the toxic parent. 

Cultivating a kind soul and showing your child how to be and how not to be is possible. Your child will show you who they are. You will see clues of a future self in the little things they do. Seize those things and tap into them. You can help keep them in their lane of goodness. You can find the sweet spot in your child’s soul and find ways to help them develop it. As their parent, you are the one who knows them best. Remember, your child has a you!